Childfree Reflections

With Marcia Drut-Davis
August 20th, 2014


My facebook book site was temporarily closed down today not allowing me to post or comment. I feel Facebook slapped my hands saying the above article, “doesn’t follow the Facebook Community Standards”.

In my opinion, it was closed because of some ignorant person who perceived that article as a slap to the Madonna myth.

Read the article for yourself. See why, more than ever, pronatalism is alive and well and must be brought to the attention of others.

November 12th, 2013

Guest Post from William (Dann) Alexander -Another man’s point of view

Dear Hearts:

When I hear a man wrote a book on childfreedom, I smile. Its happening more and more. In my opinion, it’s a welcomed addition to the many titles out there written by women, including my own book. Dann agreed to write the following for you. I haven’t had the chance to read his book and apologize to you and him. I will! My plate is very full right now.(  I’m smiling because of that fact. )

Here’s the guest post from Dann. I urge you to read, comment and share anything you feel was a welcomed or new thing you learned.



Childfreedom is a choice. It is a prescribed response to a series of questions we ask ourselves combined with observations of things going on around us.  The choice is made while we observe parents running the hectic schedule.  It could be something we have thought of as we watched families line up at the grocery checkouts as a cashier rings in purchases of diapers and formula. We often might get those reminders daily.

I knew from a very young age that I wanted to never have children.  Although it was at an early age when I made the decision, it was a pretty firm one to make at the time.  When I would hear anyone talking about not having children it was always from a female perspective.  It was actually empowering to hear some of the older crowd in my hometown talk about how they did not want to have children.  It helped me feel some validation in my direction.

Although I was very open about not wanting kids from a young age, having that empowerment from other sources was very inspirational and helpful.  It would stand to serve as a way to remind myself constantly how perfectly ok it was that I did not want to have children.  If there was any fear about talking about the choice, it did not stay with me for long.

The negative reaction to my childfree proclamations started as early as I started to champion the cause.  These are comments that we have all heard already.  “You’ll change your mind”, or “Who will look after you when you are older?” are my two favorite classics.  I like my mind just fine and have no real desire to change it.  As far as getting older, I want to look after myself.  I pay into a healthcare system that I hope will still be there for me if I were to experience some issues.  Besides, since when is the purpose of having children to breed personal care workers for yourself when you reach the stages of later life?

One thing that childfree men and women have in common is that they will get much of the same reactions when they reveal the choice to others.  Comments like the two examples I suggested above barely scratch the surface of reactions.  Some of the reactions people have gotten have been just downright offensive.  Maybe you have one reaction or comment in particular that stands out the most.  It can hurt.  When it does hurt, take comfort in knowing you made the right choice for you.

With more literature appearing on the subject of being childfree, more people can find inspiration and empowerment from multiple sources.  Bloggers are turning up with valuable words of wisdom about their own experiences as childfree persons.  The subject appeared recently in Time Magazine and no doubt will turn up in news outlets again in no time.

The choice of childfreedom is yours.  Childfree women (and men), know that you are not alone.  I understand, and celebrate the choice with you.

William (Dann) Alexander is a freelance writer and author, based in Nova Scotia, Canada.  His book “Planned UnParenthood Creating A Life Without Procreating”, is available through Lulu, Amazon and other online retail sites worldwide. Amazon US Lulu The Book Depository





October 7th, 2013

Kids Photos on Social Media

Is it me, or does there seem to be more and more photos of people’s children being placed on Facebook and other social media?  In all honesty, sometimes, it gets to be a bit too much. Day one: little Johnny sitting on his potty with a goofy grin. Day two: Little Johnny dancing. Day three: Little Johnny spooning spaghetti into this face. Day four: Little Johny swimming with that same goofy smile. Get the picture?

OK. I am sure their parents are excited about these moments as they should be. However, do parents really, really think we are delighted in seeing these photos day after day after day? If we aren’t their grandparents, aunts, uncles or very close friends, truth be told, most of us delete them. However do you feel compelled to comment?

I’ve seen many comments that are lies. “He’s so cute!” (The poor little thing is not!) “Isn’t she adorable!” (Not. )Why do people feel compelled to make those comments? Of course we can’t say, “‘Sorry! Looks like the genetic pool wasn’t good to your child, huh?” That would hurt.

Here are a few things you can say that are not lies if you feel compelled to comment: “You must feel so proud.” Or, “He’s just as cute as he can be!” Another favorite I’ve heard is, “Bless is heart”. (If you’re not religious, that won’t feel right for you.)

Here’s my point. You have the right to never comment at all. That delete button is there for a purpose. If we stop saying things we don’t really feel, it could stop the tide of pronatalism and the expected outcome of posting all those children’s photos.

However, have you seen the recent photos of my precious dog? Now that’s something I know you would like! (LOL)


September 22nd, 2013

Book Review: “The Baby Matrix”

Book Review: “The Baby Matrix” by Laura Carroll

The last time I read any book on pronatalism, was in 1974. Ellen Peck wrote, “Pronatalism: The Myth of Mom and Apple Pie”. I loved that word repeating it as often as I could.  I felt wise, erudite and filled with delight every time people said, “Huh”? And, sadly, people are still in the dark about pronatalism’s dangers and influences. Briefly, pronatalism means anything having to do with exalting the status of birth, birthing and parenting.  Laura Carroll in her wonderful book, “The Baby Matrix” has accomplished a remarkable task bringing examples of pronatalism from1974 to the present.

In her introduction, she explains her title: ”In the movie The Matrix, the character Morpheus offers two pills top Neo if he takes the blue pill, he will go on with life as he has before, believing what he’s always believed. If he takes the red pill, he’ll find out what the “matrix” really is, and many of his earlier beliefs will be shattered.” She continues, “The Baby Matrix is the red pill”.

Her entire book unravels the old beliefs showing us why they no longer serve us or, why they were never true in the first place.

In every chapter, Ms. Carroll explores the assumptions pronatalism has encouraged. She carefully shows us what the word “normal” means and why we are led to believe the only path to normalcy is through procreation. Those who choose not to parent are deemed to be unhealthy or lacking something. People want to search for the answer. Was it their childhood? It must have been dreadful! Was it a flaw in their upbringing making them selfish or immature? Maybe it’s a psychological defect?

I thought of my own feelings and how I sought therapy because I simply didn’t want to have or raise a child. The joy of connecting to my therapist, Bonnie Weiss, showed me it was a choice and not a biological destiny I had to fulfill. Her forward is in my memoir! I remember a friend who is a psychologist who passed on the introduction to my book because she was afraid it would hurt the many patients she has coming to her for help as a mother facing the stresses of parenting. She is a product of pronatalism.

Ms. Carroll touches on many assumptions we feel should be a part of a normal life: marriage, fulfillment, having offspring to keep a family name going on, and one of my favorites; the assumption if you don’t have children you’ll be lonely and die wishing you never remained childfree. Ms. Carroll reminds us that the old parenthood agreement: “I raised you; now it’s your turn to help me”, is now antiquated. That may have worked years ago when the nuclear family lived around the corner or across the street. Not now

We recently visited my husband’s Godfather who is 93. He lives in a retirement community in Florida where they have banned together to help one another. They don’t have their children helping. Many simply live too far away. Many have their own family concerns or financial limitations. Many don’t care. Ms. Carroll points out had pronatalism never been in these older parents lives, they may have asked questions earlier and planned more carefully for their own retirements. She writes, “Instead of relying on their expectations, parents can take more responsibility for later years before they get there. This can end up not only working in their best interests, but in the best interests of their adult children as well”.

If you are childfree, I recommend this book. It could be the best gift you can give to your own parents, if you still have them or are connected to them, who may be perplexed or worried about your choice to remain childfree. It can also enlighten you and them as to what pronatalism is and why they don’t have to feel they did something wrong in bringing you up! In my opinion, you owe it to yourself to read this book. It will help you in the endless discussions some of you may face after declaring your wish to remain childfree.

Like Ellen Peck’s book, Carroll’s book is also for all of us, whether we are parents or not.  Like no other book, it helps people become very aware of the social and cultural pressures surrounding parenthood, and paves the way to free themselves from those pressures when making parenthood choices. This will result in more people making the best parenthood decisions for themselves, will foster a society in which those who are best suited to become parents are the ones who have children, and one that knows what it means to bring a child into the world today.


August 31st, 2013

What are the Childfree Hearing?

I recently asked my Facebook/Twitter followers what they’re hearing when they say they don’t want to parent. I asked that question because some of my own friends and family seem to feel it’s an accepted, respected choice now. (Forgive them. They know not what they say!)

These answers are the exact same answers I heard when I announced I never wanted to be a mother in 1974. Can you add more? I’m sure of it! Feel free to do that at the end of this post.

“You’re selfish/materialistic.”

“I’ve been told that I’ll never be a real woman. Some people who don’t know I’m married have said I will never find a husband. I’ve been told that I haven’t met the right person (and the one who said that even knew I was already married). Sometimes I’m just asked if my husband is okay with it. I’ve been told that I’ll never know real love. I’ve been asked why I bothered getting married. I’ve been told that as an intelligent person, I’m neglecting my duty to contribute intelligent children to society (as if intelligence was strictly genetic). I’ve had people imply that as a person who doesn’t love children, I am in turn unlovable. Essentially, I’ve had my humanity questioned. As an army wife, I’ve had a few people tell me that I will regret not having children if my husband dies in Afghanistan because I won’t have a piece of him. Army wives with children usually ask me how I can stand deployment being completely alone. I’m still trying to figure out how they can stand deployment as a single parent.”

“You’ll Change your mind”. Then I say… “But, I’m fixed”. They say, “You can always adopt!”

“You don’t know what you’re missing! #2: “You’re still young. You’ll change your mind someday. #3: “But who will take care of you when you’re old?!”

“You’re a disgrace to your kind! I can’t believe your mom had a child like you. She must feel sorry she had you.”

” I usually get asked why and how I came to my decision.”I never ask parents why and how they decided to have kids.

“But that’s what women were made for! The sad thing is that sometimes the same people keep asking, like I’m going to have changed my mind from the last time.”

“But you’d be a great mom! What are you afraid of?”

“Worst is the nasty little smirk & the singsong, “Things happen!” – basically wishing an unplanned pregnancy on someone is just plain wrong!”

“My personal favorite? God will send the babies. THEN what are you going to do?” She didn’t like it much when I said ,”Um… have an abortion?”

“Usually wide eyes and a bewildered, “What?? Why?””

“I am at a point where I’m sick of having to explain myself. No one asks a mother/father to explain themselves. It’s usually along the lines of “you will change your mind” or “you will regret your choice”. Um, just because you regret your choice to have kids, does not mean I will! Misery loves company, I suppose. Lucky for me, I don’t like a lot of people around me ha ha. Think it has to do with the fact my job involves working with people and all I want to do in my own time is be with my boyfriend or family.”

“I guess I don’t understand why this is a big deal to so many people.  So what if someone doesn’t want children? I think to myself how does that affect your’s a choice people make..just like choosing anything. Not everyone wants or even should have children!

From a parent: “By the way, people are like that when you only choose to have one child..<gasp> you’re going to raise an only child? How selfish not to give them a sibling!”

So dear friends and family who can’t believe the need for my book and support sites, these are but a few of the venting shared on my facebook page. I rest my case.