Childfree Reflections

With Marcia Drut-Davis

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

June 2nd, 2020 by Marcia Davis

The Need For Childfree Friends.

When I first became aware that I wasn’t the only person on the planet not wanting to birth or raise my own children, it was a mind-blower. After reading “The Baby Trap”, in 1973, the author, Ellen Peck, suggested meeting other like-minded people in the New York area. I hungered for childfree friends.

That was 45 years ago. Since then, I’ve walked down the path of being an advocate and passionate supporter of the childfree lifestyle. The childfree friends I’ve made throughout this world, through my two books, guest speaking engagements, social media and word of mouth have been gifts in my life.

When I started hosting my childfree friends support cruises, it was to give people the chance to really bond with others. It wasn’t an ephemeral moment on a Facebook site, a tweet or an Instagram post. It was a full week of being with childfree friends.

Many have told me that one week changed their lives. One even wrote a heart wrenching chapter in my second book. After returning from that vacation, being validated, supported and respected by childfree friends her life changed. Having those heart connections gave her the courage to be whom she is without fear.

Another past cruiser, emerged from her cabin to become a fierce warrior. Hearing from our guest speakers and her newfound childfree friends, gave her courage to be as proud as any parent. She found her butterfly wings from her insulated cocoon of fear. She’s still heart connected to her group she met!

Even now, with a worldwide pandemic, I’m booking two cruises for childfree friends. One is January 31-Feb 8th of 2021. It’s for the Southern Caribbean Islands from Puerto Rico. That ship has studios for singles! (Unheard of in this industry.) Where can singles go for an entire week for around 1200.00 with free entertainment, free drinks, free food, free wifi, and a shore excursion credit for a port trip? For two in a cabin, it’s around 2800.00. The other one is for Alaska, a bucket list cruise… August 11-18th. Pricing is higher because it’s a trip only in the summer and most wanted.

My joy would be to welcome you on board one or both cruises. All deposits (125.00 pp) are refundable and go with their protective “PEACE OF MIND policy from Norwegian Cruise Lines for safety and concerns for all onboard. Trust me. At 77, I’m not taking any chances. Life is too precious.

Email me at:marciadavis@ketravel.com for all info.

I want to help you see joy in finding childfree friends and will do my best to make this a vacation to remember.

Hugs,

Marcia

May 30th, 2020 by Jim Davis

Special Book Sale

My books, Confessions of a Childfree Woman: a life spent swimming against the mainstream, & What?! You Don’t Want Children? Understanding Rejection in the Childfree Lifestyle are now available on Amazon.com. in both Ebook and printed version and on this site in printed version only. Go to my SHOP Page to see how to purchase here.

January 13th, 2020 by Marcia Davis

A Shocking Loss

I called her my daughter/friend. She was going to carry on after me. She can’t. She tragically died in a horrific accident falling down her stairs in her home. Her liver shattered. She died in surgery as they tried to repair that liver. Her heart gave out. Blair Lerae Shields was only 38.

I met her at the NOTMOMSUMMIT in Cleveland Ohio in 2015. It was love at first hello! She took me aside to have me sign my memoir and said, “They say when you meet your hero, you’ll be upset! I’m not!”. We hugged and that was our first heart connection.

There were numerous back and forth phone calls, emails and texts after that. She meet me in New York City for brunch before attending the film festival where “To Kid or Not To Kid” was entered. During brunch, I looked at her and genuinely saw so much beauty; not only outwardly, but inside. She radiated joy, life and excitement. I said, “You know what? You’re really gorgeous!” She laughed and never told me she was a pageant queen in her youth. Winning got her to go to Oral Roberts University! (I found this out in her memorial service.)

She made magnets for all who attended a brunch in honor of the filmmaker, Maxine Trump. (No relation) Everyone at that brunch was super excited for what Maxine had filmed. The laughter and love was infectious. At one time, later, in a local bar, after the film was shown, we went outside to take a group photo. It was freezing cold! She went out without her coat. I yelled at her, “Go get your coat! It’s too cold!” She laughed with that Blair smile and said, “You’re an annoying mother-friend!” She kept the coat off.

Her beloved husband Travis took me aside and thanked me for caring about Blair. I told him it was easy. I loved her.

Blair started a very successful meetup in Texas for the childfree. Many events were hosted in their home. Her Facebook site: RESPECTFULLY CHILDFREE had thousands following her. She also had a huge following on Instagram. She taught me how to get on and maneuver around it. She had the patience of a saint with me being an older woman trying to learn all the social media I could to reach hearts.

When I received a Gofundme for a memorial fund sent to me by one of her friends, at first, I thought it was for one of her three adored dogs. My eyes got wider as I read and re-read. It was for Blair Lerae Shields. I simply sat down and cried.

Her sudden and tragic death is hard to wrap my brains around. How? Why? Even with answers, nothing brings her back. Except for one thing: anyone who knew her knows our grief is testimony to how much we loved her. The pain is awful. yet, would I not want the pain? That would have meant I never knew her.

It’s now the holiday season. It’s difficult to be happy with such a profound loss. Blair sent me an ornament for our little tree that says, “Silent Night. Childfree Night”. It sits in the middle of that tree and I chuckle. So, we go on. She would have wanted that for all her childfree followers and family.

I loved her, will miss her and am thankful I connected with her amazing heart.


May 12th, 2019 by Marcia Davis

A Non-Mother’s Mothers’ Day

We don’t need title of ‘Mother’ to be valued as women

I am not a mother of any child. It is a carefully chosen choice. Sadly, I have been labeled as selfish, hedonistic and irresponsible. I am far from those perceptions. In my opinion, I have mothered (or nurtured) in many other beautiful ways.

I have nurtured children as a dedicated teacher. Many are still heart connected. One calls me, “Marma” (Marcia/grandma) to her child. I have nurtured gardens helping bees to pollinate. I am nurturing a rescued Chihuahua. I have nurtured other family, friends’ and neighbors’ children.

Do not get me wrong; I applaud those women dedicated to mothering biological, adopted or fostered children. However, they are seen as being perfect just by the name of “mother” when many never deserve that recognition.

So, on Mother’s Day, I sing praises to those who cannot have, should not have or chose not to be mothers. I applaud those women serving and protecting our country. I love professionals who give of their hearts in careers dedicated to children. To many who volunteer at Big/Brothers/Sisters or Meals on Wheels or a myriad of other nurturing organization, I salute you.

Mother’ Day should be a day to value all women who nurture in whatever ways seem right for them. For me, it’s not about having children, It’s about being valued as women without the title of “Mother.”

Marcia Davis, Stuart

December 30th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

For My Son/Daughter Friends, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know what you’re thinking,”What? She’s a pioneer in the childfree lifestyle? I thought she never wanted to have or raise kids”. You bet that’s right. Not one regret over living my childfree lifestyle. However, along this path I call “life”, I met some special children who came into my heart and stayed there. Here are their stories of what I call my son-daughter friends:

Denard Tyson: He was one of the first children I ever taught back in 1965! Recently, I found him on the Internet. He was flabbergasted that I remembered him. I couldn’t forget him. He drove me crazy! But I knew he one of those kids I had to reach! I always wondered what happened to him. He’s a retired conductor of the NYC subway system, father and grandfather. I was so relieved and delighted to know he’s had success and happiness along his life’s path.  Now, we’re still connected! Love you my little first grader!

Susan Coatney: I taught Susan in 1970 in a sleepy little town called, Fraser Michigan. Her infectious laughter, joy of living and delight in being in my second grade class as her teacher was felt. I know! I”m not supposed to have special students. However, she landed smack-dab in the middle of my heart and, as all the others you’re going to hear about, and stayed there. I never raised her or them. I never walked the floors as her parents did when she or the others I’m talking about were sick. I never went through the challenges of any of them becoming a teenager, or making poor choices in their lives. However, I’ve delighted in staying heart connected and seeing her and many of the others now as a mother and grandmother. I love you,Susan.

Lan Houng Nguwin She was my first forever ESL student from Woodland Middle school in East Meadow, New York, 1990. Her story of being placed on a boat with strangers and waving good by to her mother made my heart cry. Her mother who must have faced such sadness  knowing it was the best choice to make to get her our of Vietnam. For Houng, who lived for two years in the Philippines, alone, at the tender age 0f 12, her story and her triumphs have never ceased to amaze and warm my heart. Now, I see her as a dedicated mother of two children and wife of Phoung. Every time she calls me, I feel like doing a happy dance. I love you, Houng.

Jeilyn and Augustine Alvarado, brother and sister whom I taught ESL from 1993-1995. First I met Augustine. He was such a challenging young pre-teen. His mischievousness drove his teachers crazy. We bonded and I never had an issue with him. I thought then, and still feel, he was on of the brightest kids with some definite “baggage” he faced then and now. This year, I think he’s on the path to re-claiming his life with joy, great goals and success. He’s now 36. His sister Jeilyn and I are also close. I marvel at her, her choosing to become a mom, her honesty about that lifestyle with me and seeing her step up to the plate for her daughter and her husband. I love you  both so much!

Anna and Annie Chan: Another pair of sisters I had the honor of teaching English as a second language. I’ll never forget when we were experiencing the words “sad and sadness” they confessed they left another pair of twins on the streets of China. Their tears broke all our hearts and showed us how awful this was for them and their parents. They delighted me and their friends when they both wanted to be Chinese pop singers. They sang in the school talent show and wowed their friends and me! Now, they are both mothers and wives. Annie is also a real-estate agent. Jim and I had the pleasure of helping them all through their lives, even when they went to college. I love both of them.

Naznee Khan: I don’t know what brought us together. Maybe it was love at first sight? She was a fearful young girl from India. Our hearts connected and have never separated. She became an RN! She never forgot our class mantra of, “Never Stop Trying”. She’s now married to the love of her life and calls us almost every day.  Jim had the honor of escorting her down the aisle when she married a year ago. She and her husband are very much loved.

Johanna Gutierez: I met this young woman in a meetup for women. When I heard she spoke fluent Spanish, I immediately  bonded to her knowing I volunteered in a Hispanic community where I taught English. I needed help. She said she would love to help! That started a relationship we’re still enjoying. It went beyond her helping me. It went to heart connections that feel good. We see her a lot, speak and text every week and feel heart connected forever. She’s a joy to our life and a supporter of the childfree lifestyle.

None of these fabulous people I birthed or raised. All come to me from different needs or wants. One had to leave her country and mother for a better life. One was shunned by her family for making choices they didn’t agree with. One had an estranged relationship with her mother. One was taken out of an abusive home and placed in foster care. All needed me and I felt honored to be there for them. It’s not the same as raising a child! And, for me and my husband, it’s been a delightful experience.

I’m NOT saying those of you who can’t stand children or having them in their lives should feel guilty. Not at all. These relationships worked for us. It may not be a good for you. I’m not saying if I never knew them I would be yearning to have them in my life. It was and still is a good fit for me and now, my husband whose own daughters divorced us. (That’s fully revealed  in my book, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman”.)

So, on this last day of 2017, I share this story. It’s to inspire those of you who fear not having “children” in your life will make you have regrets when it’s too late.  I ask you to reach out, if that’s your concern. Find many magnificent younger people in need of support, guidance and nurturing. Check out being a mentor, Big Brothers/Sisters, Boys and Girls Clubs or many organizations in support of kids needing adult relationships.  For those of you who have no need for this, enjoy the beauty of your childfree lifestyle.

Happy New Year!

Marcia Drut-Davis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 16th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

WORDS? DO THEY MATTER?

I recently posted a poll asking how group members felt about the use of words such as crotch droppings, demon spawn, breeders, moos, mombies, etc. Overwhelmingly, the responses reflected that the group, at large, approved of or were not bothered by these words.

We have many childfree by choice who come here to feel acknowledged, supported and free to share their thoughts, feelings, and confessions. Many are rightfully fed up and angry at how they’ve been portrayed as “selfish”, “hedonistic”, or “doomed to regret their narcissistic choice”. Many are looking for a safe place to express their frustrations about a society that often isn’t kind to those who go against the status quo.

When I first “came out” as CF on “60 Minutes”, I felt anger at the response. I felt overwhelmed by what happened to me. Picket signs reading “GODLESS BITCH” directed at me made my skin crawl. Losing a beloved teaching job made me vomit with rage!

On the flip side, I’ve received some heartfelt personal PMs about the words and insults coming from our CF Internet family. We have some here that are childfree by fate. Many have now seen the light and have chosen to be childfree by choice but some are still working through the pain and confusion of not attaining the life they thought they were supposed to have.

Don’t we wish parents and the childless thought first before using hurtful words and attitudes towards us? Should we think first before using insulting language towards them? Is it helping our image and cause in the public eye? We are loving, beautiful, diverse people living a wonderful lifestyle that’s right for us. Take a moment to think about why we may have the inclination to use names such as “breeders”, “moos”, “crotch droppings”, “demon spawn”, etc.

Remember the positives of the CF lifestyle. Share the joys of not raising children. Share the anguish aimed at you from ignorant friends, family, and co-workers. Share articles and experiences that enlighten us.

We’re an Internet family of supportive childfree people. As in any accepting family, we want to be here for as many as we can. At least that’s what I hope to give to you here. The more we can show others what an awesome lifestyle we live, the better for all of us.

I ask you all to read and take to heart what I’m saying. If there are certain words or other content that truly bother you, please simply scroll past. I recognize this may not feel good for some of you. Although I feel sad if we lose anyone, I support your choice to find groups and pages that are right for you.

In conclusion, you are free to be yourselves on this closed site. I urge you, in public, or open Facebook sites, to be more careful of what you say and why you say it.

I love all of you.
Marcia Drut-Davis

September 30th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

Childfree-by-Choice People VS.Trolls.

I’ve known the ignorant hate against the childfree by choice population. I met it face to face after being interviewed on “60 Minutes” in 1974. Hearing Mike Wallace mention “perverse” at the end of the airing led to my losing a job as a dedicated, loving teacher. I suffered death treats to me and my dog. I had to go past picket lines when I spoke. (My then husband faced no ridicule at all!)

The Internet didn’t exist then. Now it does. Enter the trolls!

Without any doubt, there are many people on the Internet who want to stop childfree by choice people from daring to share that choice. Some are part of very strict religious groups who feel it’s our human duty to ,”Go Forth and Multiply”. Some are people who feel they’re being attacked for their parenting choice and resent it. Some, because they may feel jealousy when we share the joys of not having the responsibilities of parenting. I have no issue with how they choose to feel. However, when they get on childfree sites and only want to hurt, condemn malign or threaten the childfree population, I take a stand against them.

I’ve faced this within the childfree movement itself!  There are very strict childfree people who feel you must adhere to the word “free” literally in everything you do. If you dare to claim being a stepparent, you’re not “free” of kids and therefore can’t claim to be childfree by choice. Most stepparents know they don’t raise kids! (There may be a few who do if the ex-wife or biological parent dies.) There’s another group of stepparents who may see stepchildren every now and then. At best, they attempt friendship with their step-kids. They do not raise those children. The Internet trolls feel angry and often try to get on sites where they know there are stepparents and taunt them, malign them and insult them.

If you have a pet, and use the word, “Furmom or Furdad, some childfree by choice feel you’re not childfree by choice. They’ve made their own Facebook support site where childfree by choice , pet hating people can go. I have no objection to that. however, when they purposefully go to the sites in support of childfree who rescue animals, and taunt, threaten or condemn them for a personal choice, I take a stand against this.

At a time when we should be coming together, helping and validating anyone who embraces the childfree lifestyle, I see divisiveness and anger rampant all over the Internet. These trolls are out to make people think their choices , if different from themselves, aren’t as worthy or valid. It’s a microcosm of the ranting, raving of trolls against political opponents, religious diversity (or non-religious support) or anything different than what they feel is the “right” choice or thinking.

To the parents or anyone who actually go on to the childfree by choice sites with one aim which is to take snapshots of posts, post to their own personal sites and get support, I have no words. I’m sorry you’re so brainwashed to believe anyone who doesn’t choose parenting is lower than the snails at the bottom of the ocean. You simply don’t know how many wonderful people are out their taking care of your kids with joy! You don’t know how many may be gifts to this planet in other altruistic ways.

Choosing the childfree by choice lifestyle, or changing from childless to childfree is a wonderful lifestyle option. There never should be anyone trying to stop them or feel they aren’t worthy of admiration. Me and my admin assistants will do what we can to stop this from happening on my sites.

www.Facebook.com/confessionsofachildfree woman

www.Facbook.com/confessionsofchildfreepeople

www.Facebook.com/Childfreelookingforfriendships

www.Facebook.com/childfreeyetI’mastepparent

www.Facebook.com/childfreelookingfor jobs

 

August 28th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

“Childfree”? What’s in a NAME?

 

I fought many battles over the title of “childfree” by choice name.  After appearing on “60 Minutes” in 1974, I heard words like, “perverse” from the late Mike Wallace. It was my first lesson on the ignorance and ravages of pronatalism. After more TV interviews, newspaper articles and speaking engagements, I lost my job and faced death threats. Once, when speaking, I was escorted past picketing lines with signs reading, “Godless Bitch!” People I thought were friends backed off any heart connections. (The lesson is they were not true friends.)

It’s now 43 years later. I’m almost 75. I still face ravages against me from within the childfree movement. There’s a group who feel I’m a sham, disgrace and phony. Some even suggest my lifetime achievement award from the committee for International Childfree Day be taken back. Some accuse me of making money off the people I reach to support, educate and honor in their lifestyle choice. Selling my book, “Confessions of a Childfree Woman”, hosting nokid group cruises and being a keynote speaker at the up-coming NOTMOMSUMMIT in Ohio this October 2017, makes me look, in their eyes, as if I’m making a large income off the childfree by choice. I’m not! My rewards are in the letters I get, the outpouring of people all over this world and the inner peace in knowing lives are being changed, as they understand what “childfree” means. It also affects those faced with infertility. There’s a big difference with childfree vs childless.

The haters argument is I once tried my hand in being a stepmother. In their opinions, I can never say I’m childfree. They shriek that any stepparent can’t be considered ”childfree by choice”. I get it. They have the right to choose that definition. I, and many others, disagree. I attempted to be a friend to my husband’s two daughters. I never wanted to be their mother. They had one. In my first book, I tell the whole, sad but truthful story.

They took out of context when I wrote about the ephemeral moments I questioned my childfree choice. (Many have these on again, off again feelings. Many don’t.) However, they made it look as if I really wanted to have a child. By omitting the answers to when I questioned, I was perceived by those who never read the entire book as a joke.

I’ve led the right to choose the childfree lifestyle with passion, grace and dignity. I’ll continue to write, speak, blog and use my Facebook sites to reach the hearts against people whether stepparents, aunts, uncles, caregivers or volunteers to many children in need. I will defend those who can’t stand being with children. However, hurting them is unconscionable.

You who read this blog, buy my books, visit my Facebook sites, (www.facebook.com/confessionsofachildfreewoman.) come with me on nokid cruises, personally write to me and come to hear me speak are my oxygen. In my second, about to be “birthed” book, I talk at length about this challenge I’ve faced. To the ones hating me, I feel sadness. They truly don’t understand who I am, what I am and what I stand for. To my dying day, I will defend this awesome lifestyle even to those who revile me.

August 18th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

Homage to Heather Heyer, killed by hate, defined as a “useless woman”, because she had no children!

Magnifying Heather Heyer (Ms MAGAZINE:ONLINE ARTICLE)
August 17, 2017 by Maxine Trump and Amy Blackstone | Leave a Comment

In a heart-wrenching eulogy in memory of her daughter Heather Heyer, who was mowed down by white supremacist James Alex Fields Jr. while counter-protesting a so-called “alt right” rally populated by neo-Nazis, KKK members and other white supremacists and white nationalists, Susan Bro told mourners: “They tried to kill my child to shut her up. Well, guess what? You just magnified her.”
Shortly after her murder, Heyer was heinously criticized on a neo-Nazi site as a childless waste of life. Here, fellow childless and childfree women mourn Heather’s loss with the hope of magnifying her message against injustice and celebrating her heroism.

Molly Adams
Karen Malone Wright: Founder & Chief Executive, The NotMom summit
I can remember where I was when I heard the news that four black girls in an Alabama church had been blown to Kingdom Come by a white supremacist’s bomb. It happened the day after my eighth birthday. Like them, I was a black girl, and I went to church. After all these years, I thought I knew the twisted rankings of how racists hate. Black women are second to black men, right? Jews, Muslims, gays, and immigrants are somewhere behind. Frankly, the idea that my childlessness makes me doubly offensive is surprising, but it evokes a shoulder shrug. Racists already hated me, so adding one more category isn’t really A Thing. The good news is that post-mortem attacks against Heather Heyer are firing up women without children who never felt the sting of undeserved hate before. And like Heather, they are rising up against it.
Laura Carroll: Author of Families of Two, The Baby Matrix, La Vie Childfree
As someone who has been working toward societal acceptance of the childfree choice for almost 20 years, upon reading about the hate-filled rant about Heather Heyer my first instinct is to lash back. Hate of her lack of value to and burden on society because she had not reproduced reflect dark beliefs of pronatalist dogma. Yet fighting anger with anger only acts as a perpetuating force. Action needs to come from a deeper place. As reformed white nationalist Christian Picciolini says, “people become radicalized, or extremist, because they’re searching for three very fundamental human needs: identity, community and a sense of purpose.” Marginalized, disenfranchised, and with little hope, they attach to “black and white answers.” Literally. White nationalism must be stopped, and we all must act. From skin color to reproductive choices, right action begins with understanding the underlying motives of hate, and the inability to accept difference in others.
Marcia Drut-Davis: Retired Teacher, “No Regrets” Advocate, Childfree Reflections, Author,Confessions of a Childfree Woman”
As a 75-year-old woman who wants the childfree lifestyle to be honored as it should, I’m appalled that Heather Heyer has been maligned as “childless” and therefore not much good to this planet. She proved her worth against this ignorance by taking a stand and being that stand. She fought for the importance of ending hatred and connecting hearts. She wanted to see respect for diversity. Instead, she was murdered in a senseless act of hatred. We, the childfree by choice or fate, stand tall in knowing her presence made an important difference to this planet. She never birthed or raised a child. She was trying to give birth to peace, respect for diversity and an end to hatred.
Maxine Trump: Filmmaker, “To Kid or Not To Kid”
Heather is a childfree hero. We don’t know, and only her family could ever know, whether she chose not to have children, but that shouldn’t be important. Her criticism as childless was tweeted and written about by a blog that many of us had never heard of. Reproductive rights and human rights are being fought alongside each other and we must speak up. Heather Heyer used her free time to fight injustice. In making my film about the decision to live childfree, I have interviewed many childfree women who do just this. These women volunteer their free time and are critically important members of their communities. I celebrate her ‘childless’ life for giving back and fighting for a just cause. We need to shout as loudly as we can against this injustice.
Laura LaVoie: Blogger
A young woman was killed fighting Nazis on American soil. Next, I learned that militant white supremacists hate a dead woman they never met, days after one of their own was responsible for her murder. On a website that was swiftly shut down, a hateful blogger wrote, “A 32-year-old woman without children is a burden on society and has no value.” That’s right—they called out the fact that she did not have children. And why didn’t she have children? We’ll never know, and it’s none of our business. I would be willing to bet that one reason might be because at the age of 32, a racist white man killed her. I’m angry, and I want you to get angry that a young woman was killed while supporting of her country’s highest ideals. Get angry and do something about it.
Amy Blackstone: Sociologist and Blogger
As a white woman I know that I am not generally the intended target of white supremacists. I also know that it is my duty as an American to stand beside my sisters and brothers of color to speak out against violence and hate. When hate came to town in Charlottesville, Heather Heyer stood up and spoke out. After her murder, she was denigrated for a status I share, a woman without children. The critique of women without children is nothing new though Heather’s detractor took an especially hateful approach at an especially tragic time. As a result, Heather’s legacy as an American hero and a civil rights martyr was secured. May she rest in power.
Take action: Heather Heyer’s family has urged those who wish to support her message to give to C-ville Victim Relief or to funds for Dre Harris or Natalie Romero, both victims of white supremacist violence in Charlottesville.

Maxine Trump has directed documentaries for TV networks from Discovery to Sundance and is author of the forthcoming book “Diving Into Documentaries” (Focal Press, 2018). Her previous feature film Musicwood, was a New York Times Critics’ Pick. Maxine is in full production on TO KID OR NOT TO KID.
Amy Blackstone is a sociology professor at the University of Maine where she studies childlessness and the childfree choice. Her work can be found in academic outlets, in media such as Ms., Broadly, CNN and TIME, and on the blog she co-writes with her husband Lance, we’re {not} having a baby.

Marcia Drut-Davis was given a lifetime achievement award from the International childfree movement.

July 29th, 2017 by Marcia Davis

First Guest Post

Guest Blog Post:

Why Do People Question the Childfree Lifestyle?

BY LAUREN MANNING
We live in the year 2017. Ideally, we should be more open-minded and accepting of diverse lifestyle choices.  I have one question to ask… “If you’re someone who questioned an individual about why they chose the childfree lifestyle, why did you do it?” Keep that question in mind and kindly hear me out.

Ever since I was a kid, I never wanted my own children.  It never appealed to me. Yet almost everyone I knew had them. I thought it was something everyone did. I feared growing up because I thought parenting was inevitable for me. The thought terrified me.

I had to do volunteer hours in order to graduate high school. These volunteer hours included day care working with young children. I found myself extremely withdrawn, and frankly, very irritable because I didn’t want to be there. I expressed these feelings and was told, “It’s different if it’s your own kids. You’ll change your mind”. Or, my favorite one: “You’re young. What do you know?” The idea of kids was always presented as such a beautiful thing.

Fast-forwarding a couple years. I found myself away from home and living in shelters due to unfortunate circumstances. During this time, I endured a fair amount of emotional trauma. One particularly ugly event was being sexually assaulted. I was able to defend myself and get away with no physical harm done. However, psychologically, deep, emotional scars formed.

There were many sleepless nights with “what ifs”. One of these “what ifs” included the thought of, “what if he succeeded in assaulting me and got me pregnant?” I had a rude awakening in the sense that I learned not all pregnancy happens under ideal circumstances and needless to say it scared the hell out of me.

During my time in the shelters, I met a lot of women who had or were expecting kids. Some were very good mothers; others are very disengaged. Some of their kids were terribly neglected or not given proper care. I wondered if they chose parenting because it was something everyone did.

Reflecting on my childhood, I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s suffering. I wasn’t parent material! At least by choosing a childfree lifestyle, only I’m affected. If I had a child and still found myself withdrawn, I’m not only impacting myself, but another life too.

I got myself out of that life on the streets and into a job and good environment. Of course I had problems adjusting and feeling like I belonged with the rest of society.  Eventually, I overcame those things. However, the memories of what I saw in the shelters never left me. Some are positive. Others are negative. Positive, in the sense of what I learned. Negative in the way that some of them are really unpleasant.

I met a guy and we were together for 5 years. We had a pretty good relationship where we could goof off and laugh with each other. It was comfortable. Three years in and the topic of children came up. He really wanted them and I didn’t. We spent 2 years debating with each other over the subject. Others around me continually told me the same clichés of, “you’ll change your mind if you love him”.

Though you may think you’re being helpful or insightful by explaining your take on why I should breed, you’re actually doing quite the opposite. To a person like myself, who chooses a childfree lifestyle, it sounds like you’re bullying me. Every time you do that, I feel as though I’m backed into a corner. Trust me, it’s not a nice feeling.

He and I decided to split since neither of us was going to change our minds. It sucked saying goodbye. However it was also freeing for me.  Letting go of that relationship was one less thing backing me into that corner.

I still get those clichés thrown at me. You know….the selfish, irresponsible, unloving, uncaring meaningless life I’m facing choosing the childfree lifestyle. My favorite cliché is still, “You’re young. What do you know?”. Answer: a lot more then you’re giving me credit for.

So? What can you do?

Before you go ahead and question a person’s choice, I urge you to think about the can of worms you’re potentially opening up. For those who still choose ignorance feeling everyone’s destiny is to procreate, there’s already enough ignorance in the world. You don’t need to add to it. If you’re unwilling to listen to what someone else has to say, then don’t ask!

I’m proud to be childfree by choice. I look forward to helping others on this planet and enjoying my life to the best of my ability. I’m not better or worse than you. I’m me. Please leave my personal choices alone as I’ll leave yours alone too.